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FML

Posted by on Mar 8, 2011 in Personal | 24 comments

I just broke down into tears again. I don’t even know why I was crying. Someone once told me that if you have a problem and you want to take the burden off your shoulders, you tell your story to as much people as possible. Then at a certain time, you will just realize that you just don’t care about this problem of yours.

It reminded me of the movie “The Ring” and how the ghost of Sadako kept keeeeling other people. She has so much hatred that the only way to stop her from keeeeling more people is to make a video copy of the “haunted video” and let someone else watch it within 7 days.

Of course, we are not keeeeeeling people here.

I’m just saying, this is where you will find friends and family to be really helpful in unloading the burden off your shoulders.

I am more calm now as I write this than I was an hour ago. My boyfriend was just at my side stroking my back to calm me down while I was gasping loud cries.

“I feel fat”
“I promised to go to the gym, yet I’m not even doing it now… I fail”
“I wanted to try Cosplay so I bought a sewing machine and some fabric. I haven’t even started sewing a single costume yet” – I suck at life
“I don’t know how to prioritize and manage my time anymore”
“I feel like I don’t find any purpose in what I’m doing”
“I am not even playing games anymore or wasting my time watching TV series, yet I feel like I’m doing a lot of things in a day… I don’t know where my day went.”
“I’m broke”
“I don’t have a job”
“My Blog is doing good, but I’m not advancing to the next level”
“I’m so sick I’ve been coughing for a month now. and yes, I had it checked with doc already… I got sicker after he nebulized me and after I took all those meds.”
“Did I already tell you that I feel fat? It doesn’t matter what people say. They say I’m not fat, I’m just the right weight, but NO! I FEEL FAT.”
“Am I getting bulimic? Why am I constantly vomiting especially when I’m coughing?”
“I am not getting any jobs booked from the dozens of VTRs and casting calls I went.”
I feel ugly
“I wasn’t like this before.  I was an achiever.  I achieved a lot of things.. why am I sulking like a pumpkin?”
“I used to be so smooth with my game… but now I feel rusty”

All this negativity… I broke down. My boyfriend didn’t know what to do with me. I can’t blame him. I was blaming myself for everything. I just felt so weak. So fragile… like the world is just pulling me down.

I know you will say “Cheer up, don’t think about negativity… think positive”
or…
“What are you talking about Hannah, you have endorsements here and there… you appeared in music videos, commercials. Soon, you will have your own billboard for your blog!”
“Are you kidding Hannah? People want to be where you are right now?”
“Don’t say that Hannah, you’ve gone a long way and you are there now because you are a hard worker”

If I do though, I mean, if I think positively… I’ll just get comfortable with my life again, pat my back and say… well done?

NO! I don’t like where I am now because I know I could be somewhere better.

and I would like to quote what my boyfriend said “If you’re on an RPG game, you are stuck in a level… You are not moving on… I am helping you move on to the next level.”

I think he is right.

but for today… just for today… I NEED to break down.

I NEEDed to breakdown today. I need this reality check. It makes me focus more, focus again on what I want to be. I know I don’t feel like I’m achieving anything or doing something that would make me grow. This is a problem for me. Upon hours of crying, I finally filtered what I want in life.

It is kind of personal, but it has something to do with blogging too. Money is of course going to be difficult in the first few years you are trying to pursue your passion, but if I focus, I will get there. I better be! Obviously, money is a little bit difficult for me now but I am applying for and handling some freelance and part time jobs right now.

I have this one priority and I’m sticking to fulfilling it right now.

And no, I won’t tell you what I have figured out… I will show you.

If there are people I need to thank though that will be my awesome friends who have been really concerned about me.  This includes friends in the blogosphere, previous co-workers, high school and college classmates, my best friends, the Nyoks, the people in my Plurk, Twitter and Facebook, my dear awesome readers, my family and of course my very supportive boyfriend.

Thank you… You know I will do the same for you and help as much as I can.  Thank you for hearing me out and for reading this.  I feel like I need to recognize that I have a problem, unload (in my blog), and give closure for myself so that I can move on to the next level.

*Thank you for holding my hand as I go through this.

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24 Comments

  1. I feel you, dear. We talked about this earlier, right? Maybe we are just thinking too much kaya tayo nasstress, pero you know sometimes we really need to breakdown and just release whatever burden we have inside. Breaking down is not a sign of weakness for me. At least you can easily sort out what you want to do with your life and how you will make your dreams work. Being a freelancer is a tough one, but with your guts and determination, kering-keri yan! 😀

    Hugs to you, my dear dude! Dito lang kami for you. One of these days babasahin mo ‘tong blog post na ‘to and start to appreciate na you’re already reaping the fruits of your labor <3 love you nahnah dearest 😀

  2. Cheer up. It’s not that bad :) “Just keep swimming” – Dory (Finding Nemo)

  3. Glad to be a friend in need…remember that any burden becomes lighter when shared with a friend.

  4. Hey darling, I know it’s tough. It is for all of us. Sometimes I even wish that I was not given the luxury of having an option to pursue what I want, so that I’m forced to just search for a job that compensates really well and be really good at it. But we have to remember, although life is a lot easier when we’re very liquid, we also have to feed our desires. After all, money doesn’t equate to happiness right?

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m almost at the same place. I haven’t broken down in a while because I feel like I’ve reached an agreement with myself. I suggest you find that. But, don’t fret, I’ll break down soon enough, when plans don’t go accordingly. Hehe.

    Anyway, sending you some love dear. Rest well, will ya? I am still sick as well but it’s not as bad anymore. Just eat greens and get more sick. Avoid the polluted outdoors for a bit.

    Lovelots,
    Tel :)

  5. Hannah, you have all the right to breakdown & cry sometime, it’s a normal thing. We all have our own battles in life, remember that. We just have to be thankful that our feet are still planted on earth, thus, you realize you lack in some. But you’re overflowing in other aspects aren’t you? =) You’re in a place other people just imagine to be at, and it you’re stuck, shake things up after you cry okay? Many people believes in you, don’t let them down. Most of all, pray. Be still & pray. Smile na! =)

    – Dang

  6. hi hannah… aww, breakdown day on a quarter life. :-( nasty, yet we all have these days, regardless of stature or position or whatnots. it is an opponent of good vibes, but actually necessary. i hope things pick up for you soon. (it’s much better to release them than bottle them up and explode, really. i tried bottling it up before and i ended up exploding into tears in a BUS full of random strangers. horrendous.) when you hit rock bottom, there’s no other direction but up, that’s for sure…

  7. I’m proud of you. Hindi lahat sa atin kaya magpakita ng totoong emotions. Maraming nagtatapangtapangan kasi ayaw mailagay sa pedestal ng ibang tao. Okay lang yan, we all have our own dark days and that makes us stronger :D. Go lang ng go!!!

  8. i agree with those who already left a comment – it’s okay to break down. you’re not weak for having emotions, to feel all those negativity. we all need a reality check from time to time to get us back on our feet and, just like what you said, it actually helps us get more focused. that’s the same case with me. most people who know me see me as this strong, independent woman, but only my close friends really know that i do break down. there’s no shame about it. iiyak mo lang and mas magiging okay ang feeling mo after. then, matatawa ka na lang after a few days, weeks or months sa breakdown mo kasi marealize mo how blessed or good your life actually is.

    keep your head up high, gurl!

  9. Thanks Mica for being with me when I need you kahit skype lang ^_^ *hugs*

  10. haha yeah that’s cute ^_^ thanks rah

  11. Thank you Vince for being a good listener and friend on plurk :)

  12. you are correctomando… maybe this sickness just makes my brain think weird @_@ thanks telly… I know I’m not the only one experiencing this but last night, I just felt everything wah… thanks for all the love ^_^

  13. Aww :) thanks so much for the kind words. true indeed, just that night, I tried to enumerate everything I felt uncomfortable with in my life so that I fix whatever things I feel that are wrong in my life… the exercise backfired though leading me to cry for a whole hour. but, i think I needed that slap in my face. right now, I’m so eager and determined to get back up and do more awesome things :) thank you so much for dropping some notes for me, appreciate it!

  14. “when you hit rock bottom, there’s no other direction but up, that’s for sure…”

    I would love to keep that in mind :) oh no.. I know right.. you don’t want to break down but you’re just like a grenade waiting to explode when ignited. I’ve been having this QLC for a while now (since nov) I hope i get over it soon

  15. aww Thank you Mav :) thanks for the push. You’re right, I was never a quitter. I may breakdown and cry but I never give up. it’s just nice to unleash it all. I was actually hesitant to hit “publish” on this one… but I wanted to share this to my readers rin. I blog mostly about fun stuff that my readers will be like “sarap naman ng buhay niya” and be inggit and stuff .. I also want them to know I’m a real person. and that a part of pursuing your dreams means also working hard for it. thanks for dropping some inspiring words :) do appreciate it <3

  16. lalong pressure rin noh if people expect a lot from you… sometimes I accept the challenge, but when all bad things happen, it’s really a difficult burden to carry. here’s to us independent women… let’s stay strong!

  17. we were born on the same year, that makes two of us on the QLC and i believe the awkward stage lingers if not surfaces its ugly head at odd times of our lives. lol. i think it helped that i ate oatmeal at night and bananas (supposed purporter of happy hormones daw, though i have not really confirmed that yet hihi) and blogging, among many other things.

    besides, it’s our year this year, based on Feng Shui. things are supposed to pick up, even the constellations attest to it. haha. :-) go hannah! let’s go for the gold of surviving QLC! hahaha.

  18. it’s good to vent once in a while. it’s healthy and normal, so don’t worry too much. if it makes you feel any better–you’re luckier because you have endorsements and were able to book jobs in the past; while i, i’ve been to countless VTRs as well and never got booked (how frustrating is that). but i always think that if things are meant for you, they will be given to you. so cheer up. you are more blessed than you think. :)

  19. cheer up. keep in mind that bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss.

  20. sinulat mo pala dito ang pag break down mo?

    sayang ang emotion, buhos mo lang. ayos lang yan.

  21. haii kuhang kuha ko yung nafefeel mo.. im just browsing the net to find activities for bora then i read this blog ive been captured by you dilemma. i think at some point of our lives we thought that were stuck and don’t know exactly what to do. i guess you should just embrace that feeling and then after that you’ll realize that you have a lot of things to be thankful for. smile :) can i use some of your phrases on my blog? it’s just a personal blog of mine .

  22. @ronalyn sure I don’t mind :) thanks for taking time to share your thoughts :)

  23. haha thanks promking.. ikr.. oh well. sometimes I just have to let all these feelings go.

  24. Hi Hannah!

    It’s healthy to cry it out – empty it first so you can fill it up with positivity all over again. You’ll eventually see that life has a lot of “HP and MP regens” waiting for you along the way. We’re rooting for you! :)

    – Geia

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